THEOLOGY
1. The pig is cleaner than the dog, (and smarter.)
CONVERSE: The dog is man's best friend.
PRECEPT: Cleanliness is next to godliness.
CONVERSE: Jesus is next to God.
THEREFORE: the pig is next to Jesus.
2. Begin with this room.
This room is a pigsty. There are dirty clothes in a pile in the corner. The bed is unmade. Books and papers are strewn about carelessly. Nature prefers an economy of thrift-- the mute beast does not collect except to use. Man excluded, but a pig is not yet a man. Henceforth, a pig collects books and papers in order to read the same and later strew them carelessly about its room.
What do pigs read? There is no consensus on this matter. Some venture to say that pigs are great statisticians. Others hold that pigs prefer picturebooks, uxoriously committed to art and fashion. I have heard dolts, the kind that frequent drafthouses and all-you-can-eat buffets, opine that pigs read cookbooks. My hypothesis is this. Pigs read quickly, and their appetite is catholic. In truth, this is a question for some other scholar.
THAT THE PIG MAKES A HABITATION IN THE HEAVENS
3. Compared to the lungfish the pig is stout and bristles with power (a priori). Where one is first the other follows. Compared to the rhinoceros the pig is slim to the point of daintiness. The lungfish is to the mud as the rhino is to the earth while the pig, by virtue of its participation in both power-bristling and slim daintiness, displaces both. (This is in agreement with Archimedean principles.) If the pig displaces both the lungfish and the rhino, than either one of two things may hold true. Either the lungfish does not live in mud, for the pig there does, and-furthermore, the rhino does not live on dry land-for the pig thereby does as well, or, (and this should be a fact ready to the senses,) the pig does not live in mud or on dry land. This flies in the face of superstition. The pig calls the air, the very heavens, its home and natural element.
(Nota bene-- there are hairsplitters who would suggest that the pig might yet live in water. This claim is outlandish. What is mud but a mixture of water and ground, and whoever heard of a submersible pig.)
MATTERS OF LAW
4. The pig, being pure and holy, must necessarily also be just. For what is holy and not just and what is pure and does not emanate some holiness?
Being just, paramount, and being just a pig, tantamount, justice can be measured by a pig's life… The litter is born, the fit suckled, the runt starved, the slim fattened, the fat cordoned, cut, and bled, the blood sluiced, the shanks weighed, the plans drawn, the snout converted to soup, the rump to bacon, the sluices hosed off and the Torah and Talmud abjured.
